It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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