Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We're too hungover to prance.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
