can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
