The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
