just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Be still, my beating vagina.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
