the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
