I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
