I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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