why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
