dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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