I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
