Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
