i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
