I will die if light touches me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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