So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
