I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
