I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
