Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
