an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
