I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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