So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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