There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
