You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
