sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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