I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
