Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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