FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize