i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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