Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
