I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
