ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
