from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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