she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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