it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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