I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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