the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
