i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
