Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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