what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
