shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
