I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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