I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
