ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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