Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
