Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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