it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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