I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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