my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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