If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want to make out with him forever
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
