I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
