He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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