Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
