Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
