If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
