Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
