i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
