I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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