That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
